Sick
by AkematLynn
Summary: A self conscious Mandy tries her hardest to hide her eating disorder and the emotional pain that comes along with it. She also takes the time to ponder how she even ended up like this, ultimately blaming herself in the end. Rated M for potentially offensive or disturbing content.


Author's Note: Good day people! This story is the second part of what will be a sort of trilogy like thing. The last story I posted revolved around Pinky and her body image, this one will revolve around Mandy and her body image.

WARNING! Before you read any further do be advised that this may not sit well with anyone who has body image issues. There are mentions of an eating disorder in here as well as prescription drug abuse. This is not intended to ridicule anyone, make fun of or insult anyone. I'm also not claiming that this is how people with eating disorders behave in general. This is all for the most part a made up concept that I imposed on Mandy. Also as I've mentioned before this story may make it seem like I don't like Mandy but rest assure I love her! The idea for this came about after hearing rumors from some of the students on campus, some of which directly mention Mandy and others had no name mentioned:

"_Did you see Mandy making herself sick in the toilet again?"_ and_, "I heard she throws up after every meal, would you do that?"_

Title: Sick

Characters: Mandy Wiles

Word Count Approx: 2,306 (pgs5)

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"I hope everyone's looking at me, of course they're looking at me…"

But their exact reason for looking at me… remains a mystery…

Do they look at me because I look good and they find me to be attractive, or do they look at me because I look terrible and they find me to be unattractive?

Yeah, everyone smiles in my face and tells me how pretty I am but I can't help but to wonder if most of them say so because they know I can easily go and get the entire football team to kick their asses should they do or say something to upset me. On top of that, most people including the whole football team just assumed Ted and I are dating. They think he's my boyfriend and that too keeps people from stepping in my face. Funny thing is though there never has been, and probably never will be anything going on between the two of us except friendship.

Yeah we hang out from time to time, and he buys me stuff but that's just because he's a nice guy and we're good friends. As far as us being seen together it's merely for appearances. He's the football captain, I'm the head cheerleader, it's practically law that we are supposed to date one another, but we're not. He simply isn't interested in me like that nor am I in him. My interest are currently being held elsewhere, in several other places to be exact.

I hold a very strong attraction to Johnny Vincent, yep you heard me right, the leader of the Greaser clique. Believe it or not I have absolutely no problem letting other people know that I find him to be attractive. It's not just a physical attraction though; it goes much deeper than that. I honestly believe that he and I could be very good together. As strange as it may sound I know for a fact that he is perfect for me, and that he's just what I need.

How do I know that?

Simple

He's with that tramp Lola, that whore who can't keep her legs closed. Regardless of her infidelity though, he clings to her like his life depends on it. Despite her blatant imperfections and flaws he overlooks all of that and he forgives her time and time again even though she doesn't deserve it. That and that alone is what leads me to believe that if I were with him then maybe he would do the same for me…

Accept my flaws and stick by my side no matter what.

Then again, that's merely speculation.

Lola is very confident in herself, perhaps even over confident, and I know that people tend to find confidence attractive. Truth be told confidence is something I appear to have at face value but once you get to know me you'll find that I have very little if any confidence in myself at all. I will admit that I'm very insecure about myself and very self-conscious. I spend an unprecedented amount of time looking at myself in the mirror, staring at my body.

I hate my body, it's the furthest thing away from being perfect and I feel that I have a very long way to go if I ever want to become a model one day. Not only do I spend a lot of time looking at my body in the mirror but I also spend a lot, if not even more time crying about my appearance.

It doesn't matter what I do, what I eat, or what I don't eat, I just look terrible! I can see the blubber the second it starts to form, the minute I take a bite of food. I feel the weight starting to pile on, the mounds of disgusting blobs starting to consume my form.

The other cheerleaders tell me I'm not fat and that I look good, but I know that they're all lying to me. I know that they're all just saying that so I don't kick them off the cheerleading squad. That's one of the many reasons that whenever I'm alone, I make every effort possible to stay in shape and rid my body of potential impurities.

It's very simple really; a finger down the throat to entice my gag reflexes and up it all comes. Any and everything that could possibly make my already bad appearance look even worse.

I know it doesn't sound logical, for a cheerleader, a prominent member of the school's athletic department to hardly ever digest any food. With all the physical activity I'm frequently engaging in you'd think I'd pass out or something, but thankfully I've found ways to get around not eating… Supplements.

I have quite a few of them, all to help combat a multitude of problems and give me the ability to look or at least appear to be flawless in the eyes of others. There are several different multi vitamins I take to make sure my body gets the proper nutrients that it needs. They also help to keep my hair, skin, and nails all looking presentable and to combat the overwhelming fatigue that plagues me rather often.

Although not as much as the guys do, I take steroids on occasion as well, to help me maintain a reasonable amount of muscle mass… I am a cheerleader you know.

However, those steroids present the risk of diminishing my femininity, so of course I had to start taking something to combat that as well. Hormone supplements, it's very easy to get ahold of them. All I had to do was go down to the drug store and flirt with the pharmacist a bit and he gave them to me for free!

All of those medications and supplements messed up my sleep cycle though, which was a big problem because I have to get my beauty rest! There are a number of OTC meds on the market that help with cases of insomnia so I picked up several more supplements to help me out in that department and they worked like a charm.

Taking all of those meds and supplements has very little repercussions by my standards. Yeah my nerves are severely frayed at the ends and my heart rate and blood pressure are constantly fluctuating between being over the top and just barely measurable. And no, I haven't had a period in months, but I can easily hide all of those implications simply by keeping my mouth shut and putting a smile on my face.

That smile though…the one that I put on in front of others… the one that hides my barely tolerable pain… It's not always a fake smile. There is one thing, one person that the mere thought of can put a smile on my face and no it's not Johnny Vincent.

She always has something to say that can easily pull me to my feet. I don't care how stupid or mundane it may seem, anything that comes out of her mouth makes me happy, because when she says things I get to hear her bubbly voice and it's a sound I never get tired of.

I envy her as far as appearance goes, she's quite the bombshell! Her voluptuous body never fails to grab ahold of anybody's attention, including mine. I love to see her merrily strutting around campus unintentionally flaunting her sexy figure with confidence. She doesn't give a fuck about what most people around here have to say about her and that's one of the many reasons I'm so attracted to her, even more so than I am to Johnny Vincent.

I had no problem letting her on the team and was thrilled to see her temporarily trade in her Aquaberry uniform for a cheerleading one. However, being that we're both girls, I'm very secretive about my attraction to her… This is why I will occasionally and deliberately talk bad about her behind her back. Lying and telling people that it looks like she's getting fat when in reality she's perfect and I desperately want to harbor the confidence she has in her appearance and in herself. I have to make sure my attraction and my feelings for her stay a secret.

She isn't the only one I verbally berate though; I spend quite a lot of time giving Beatrice pure hell! I go out of my way to make it look like I hate her but deep down inside I don't have a problem with her at all. I bully her just to make myself look good, just to make myself feel strong. At face value she's weaker than me, but underneath it all I'm certain she's much stronger than me, or at least I used to think she was…

I've seen the cuts on her wrist, that's why she wears long sleeves year around, and keeps her arms folded over a book that she clings to. Just like I don't want anyone to know, she doesn't want anyone to know either and I don't blame her. I will admit that it does make me feel good to belittle and humiliate her, while I am I the process of doing it that is, but the minute it's over I always feel horrible on the inside. It pains me to watch her run away crying, I can't stand to see or hear it. It takes me a great deal of effort to not run behind her and tell her that I'm sorry, and to hug her in an effort to console her. But because I'm too shallow to tell her to her face that I'm sorry for what I did I will occasionally go about giving her a rather pathetic apology without her knowing about it.

Just the other day, I had gone back to the dorm for the night only to enter the building and find her snoozing on one of the couches in the common room. She'd been reading a book that had fallen to the floor and she still had her glasses on. I took the liberty of removing the glasses from her face so she didn't end up rolling over or something and accidentally break them. I set them on the table for her before pulling her sleeve down to cover her exposed wrist and then headed upstairs to my room…

Most days when I walk around campus I don't hear much of anything that concerns me. But every now and again, there are those days, those times, those moments, where I will catch the sound of someone verbally belittling me behind my back…

"_Oh my god, did you see Mandy making herself sick in the toilet again?!"_

"_I heard she throws up after every meal, would you do that?!"_

"_Did you hear what Mandy said about me? What a bitch!"_

I hear them loud and clear, and yeah they bother me far more than I allow people to think they do. But regardless of what's said about me and by whom I always make sure that I keep a confident '_appearance'. _I always act as though I'm the Queen B who is fazed by no one or nothing… but in reality…it's not true…

"Maybe… just maybe… I need help…

Maybe I continuously make myself sick in a desperate attempt, not to be thin, not to be attractive, but to try and rid myself of this ailing misery…

…This sickness that courses through me…

…This disease that has seized control of both my body and my life…

…because maybe I truly am sick…

... and maybe this disease I feel I have is nothing more than me worrying myself down to the core for no apparent reason…

…maybe I'm the one who introduced this illness into my body, perhaps it was me that caused me to get sick…

… and maybe the only way I know how to combat this sickness, this crippling and potentially deadly illness…

… is to continuously, time and time again, make myself sick… regardless of its origin though… one thing I will always hold fast to…

…is the hope…

…for better…

… and brighter days to come…

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Author's Note: There you have it, just a subject I've been wanting to touch up on concerning Mandy. Also if you or anyone you know is currently dealing with any sort of illness or sickness be it an eating disorder or something else. Please get some help, there's no benefit to you or anybody else when you choose to suffer silently!

-Thanks for reading!

-Akemat


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